To Find What I Wanted All Along
by Ariah 'Watson-Holmes
Summary: 'Once everything has been taken away from you, you realize what you wanted. What you needed. Amazing isn't it? I never realized how much I cared, no, truly loved him, until he was gone from my life.' Johnlock Reunion Fanfic. Trigger Warning: Mentions of Self-Harm and attempted suicide. Also mentions of violence.


Once everything has been taken away from you, you realize what you wanted. What you needed. Amazing isn't it? I never realized how much I cared, no, truly loved him, until he was gone from my life. Only to be seen as glimpses of photos, sets of texts, the occasional voice mail lingering on my phone. Fighting the urge to respond. To ruin all of my work. All for him, and he may possibly never know.

A year and a half ago, I jumped off the roof of the local hospital, and made him watch as I did it. I had no choice. My life or his. Hurt him by pretending to be dead, or see him die right in front of me. It was an easy choice, but it wasn't a happy one. He would go on living, and has, but only if I was dead. Never to see him again, until my job is done.

The fight has been a long one, but it's not done yet. The threat is still there. I cannot return to him until I know that he is safe. That they cannot touch or threaten him ever again. I need him to be safe. I have risked everything for him, given everything up for him, even given up him. This war needs to end. Now. Either I die, or they die. For his sake, it better be them and not me.

My phone goes off yet again. Another text. More pleas from him. Every time he texts, asking me to come home, asking me to do the impossible. It hurts. It hurts me to know that I've caused him so much pain.

_I miss you Sherlock. It's been a year and a half now and I still miss you. I moved out. You know that? It was hard, but I moved out of the flat. Though, I still own it. Still paying for it, with a bit of help from Mycroft of course. –JW_

_I can't let you go. I just can't. I love you Sherlock. –JW_

I begin to cry as I read the texts. Running my free hand through my, now ginger, curls, I type out a reply to not send, and a message to send.

_[Unsent] I miss you too John. So much more than you could ever imagine. I'm doing all of this for you John. I hope you will understand one day. –SH_

_[Sent] The number you are trying to reach has been disconnected. _

_[Unsent] I love you too John. I always have and always will. –SH_

_[Sent] The number you are trying to reach has been disconnected. _

I throw my phone back onto the bed. I can't think right now. Now there's an interesting thought. Sherlock Holmes, formerly the only consulting detective in the world, can't think. Whenever it comes to one John Watson, I have had a hard time thinking about anything.

Sentiment is such a powerful thing. It's a dangerous thing as well. It gets in the way of thoughts, can control our actions, but at times it is the most beautiful thing in the world, the other times it is ugly, corruptible and damaging. Currently, it is very destructive, tearing two people apart. It can cause the man who considered himself a 'high functioning sociopath' to throw himself off of a building to save someone's life. It can cause the same man to cry. Sentiment is a dangerous thing.

* * *

(John)

I threw my phone against the wall cursing at myself. I should know by now that Sherlock wouldn't reply. Sherlock is dead and I should accept that. It's just that something in me keeps telling me that Sherlock is still alive. That I will be reunited with Sherlock soon enough, if I just have faith in Sherlock. For the first time in a year and a half, I opened up my blog and compose a post.

_'To those who didn't know him like I did, he was a fruit case, a 'freak' as they called him, a psychopath. He was none of those. He was my best friend. He was the only real friend I had. And I miss him. More than anyone could ever know. _

_ I was told myself, and others, that I'm not gay. That I am straight. He was the only exception. I loved him and he was taken away from me before I could tell him. _

_ He always was driving me crazy. Playing his violin at odd hours in the morning, he was always leaving body parts in the fridge, leaving his experiments all over the place. The list goes on, everything from interrupting my dates by texting me, or even better yet showing up out of now where, to forcing me to stay up with him all night to work on a case. He drove me mad, but I loved him. I would give anything to have it all back. _

_ I don't care anymore if you think I'm crazy or not. I still believe in him. He was never a fraud. Moriarty was real. I just hope that he is still alive, out there somewhere. If so, I just want him to come home. Somehow knowing where I live now. I want him to walk through my door talking about how he just solved some elaborate case or how we need to go chase down some criminal. _

_ I would give anything for him to just be here again. I should just accept the fact that he is dead. The fact that I will never see him again, but I can't. I love you Sherlock Holmes, and I miss you. _

_ Your faithful blogger,_

_ John H. Watson'_

I type out the long post slowly and decide against it. I end up just posting, '_I still believe in him. I love you Sherlock Holmes. I will see you again soon. -JW_'

Sighing, I get up and go retrieve my gun from my desk. I sit down on the edge of my bed, just thinking about it. Thinking about what it would feel like to end it all. End all of the pain. I grab my phone once more.

_I'm sorry Sherlock, but I'm not strong enough. I've waited too long for you. The pain is just too much now. –JW_

* * *

(Sherlock)

I froze when I read the blog post. John couldn't be thinking about that. No, Mycroft promised me that he would take care of John. Molly promised to help. John can't be thinking about it. I hear my phone go off again. Please let John be okay. My heart drops as I read the message. John.

_[Unsent] Please don't John. –SH_

_[Sent] The number you are trying to reach is disconnected. _

_[To Mycroft] John is in trouble, get men to his flat now! –SH_

_[To Molly] I need your help, I think John is going to hurt himself, possibly kill himself. Please help him Molly. I'm so close to being done with my mission. –SH_

I don't care that I am crying again. John just can't hurt himself. Not when I'm so close to being able to be reunited with him. John has to be alive when I return, or everything I have been through would have been for nothing. Either I return to John, or I don't return at all. Simple as that.

_[From Mycroft] They're on their way. They'll be there soon brother. –MH_

_[From Molly] Thankfully, I'm at home and he isn't that far away. I'm running to his flat now. –Molly Hooper xxx_

I sigh as I read the texts from Molly and Mycroft. Molly lives only a few doors down from John. I hope she makes it in time.

_[To Molly] Hurry, I don't know how long he'll wait. –SH_

_[From Molly] Just a few more flats away. –Molly Hooper xxx_

I breathe another sigh of relief before my phone goes off again. I hope that it's a text from Molly, saying that she's with John. My heart drops again when I read the text.

_[From John] I'll see you soon Sherlock. –JW_

I can't hide anymore. Not from him. Not like this. I can't risk Molly getting there too late. Before I know it, I'm typing a reply to him. This time though, I actually send it.

_[To John] Don't do it John. I can't risk losing you for forever. Not like this. –SH_

_[From John] Stop this! He's dead! You're not real! –JW_

_I am real John. I've been alive this entire time. Ask me anything. Something that only I would know. –SH_

_What's my middle name? When did I tell you it? What did I tell you that day, the day you died, when I got the call that Mrs. Hudson had been 'shot?' –JW_

_Your middle name is Hamish, you suggested it as a baby name while The Woman and I were staring at each other. Possibly suggesting a baby name if her and I were to ever have a child? Which is stupid because I don't like women. They're not my area. Finally, that day you called me a machine and told me that 'friends protect people.' –SH_

_T-t-this can't be real. –JW_

_I'm so sorry John. –SH_

_A year and a half Sherlock! Eighteen god damn months! I thought you were dead! I grieved for you! You wanker!–JW_

_Again, I'm sorry, but you're going to have to wait before I can explain. Your life is in danger. –SH_

_How long? –JW_

_A few days, a week tops. –SH_

_I'll wait. Just know that I might punch you in the face when you come back. –JW_

_Scratch that, I am going to punch you. –JW _

_I've already expected as much. Goodbye John. –SH_

_Goodbye Sherlock. –JW_

_[From Molly] I'm with him now, he seems alright, just really mad. Are you sure he was going to hurt himself Sherlock? –Molly Hooper xxx_

I sigh in relief, now that Molly is with him. I may have just risked his life even more, but for now he's safe.

_[To Molly] I told him. That's the only reason why he hasn't killed himself. _

_[To Mycroft] You can call the men off. John's safe now. –SH_

_[From Mycroft] Are you sure? –MH_

_[To Mycroft] Yes Mycroft. –SH_

_[From Molly] Are you sure that was the right thing to do? Considering the threat… -Molly Hooper xxx_

_[To Molly] He's still alive, so yes. Oh and do take the gun from him, please? –SH_

_[From Mycroft] You didn't tell him, did you? –MH_

_[From Molly] Already done. –Molly Hooper xxx_

_[To Mycroft] I told him. Otherwise he would be dead right now. Please position your men close by. –SH_

_[To Molly] Thank you Molly. –SH_

_[From Mycroft] Will do. Finish this soon dear brother. Now that he knows you're alive, he won't be able to wait. –MH_

_[From Molly] You're welcome Sherlock. Do hurry though. –Molly Hooper xxx_

_[To Both] I'm finishing this war. Tomorrow. It may take a few days though. –SH_

_[From Mycroft] Do you need my help? –MH_

_[From Molly] Stay safe Sherlock. He can't lose you for real this time. –Molly Hooper xxx_

_[To Mycroft] I started this war by myself. I'm going to finish it by myself. –SH_

_[To Molly] I promise I'll come back in one piece. Goodbye Molly Hooper. –SH_

_[From Mycroft] Just some home soon. –MH_

_[From Molly] Goodbye Sherlock Holmes. –Molly Hooper xxx_

_[To Mycroft] I promise I will. ASAP. Goodbye brother dear. Keep an eye on him. –SH_

_[From Mycroft] Goodbye 'Lock. I'll keep my on him for you. –MH_

I smile slightly at Mycroft's last text. He almost never uses my childhood nickname anymore. It is nice to see him use it, but now is not the time to be distracted. I need to prepare for the battle ahead. No matter who offers me assistance for this next battle, I have to go into this alone. I started this war and now I am going to finish it.


End file.
